Positive Thinking

 may be derailing your daughter’s goals

You’re probably thinking, “Wait, aren’t you a Health and Life Coach who uses positive mindset with your clients?” Well, yes…and no.

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good positive affirmation sesh as much as the next girl and I’m generally a pretty positive person.  I use positive thinking in my own life and encourage my clients as well as others around me with positive feedback and support.  

But as with many good things, too much can be a bad thing.

Before I go too far, let’s back up and look at what positive thinking is all about. Positive thinking first became buzz worthy in modern society through the likes of Dale Carnegie and Napoleon Hill. But it didn’t really enter mainstream populous until Norman Vincent Peale released “Power of Positive Thinking” before others followed suit. Their concept of positive thinking was to only think positive thoughts and in doing so it would result in success. Thinking positively would open doors and allow you to reach your goals. The key was to not let any negative thoughts enter your mind or influence your ambitions. If that happened, all bets were off and you were back at square one.

How’s that for feeling good about yourself?

Positive thinking has evolved quite a bit since then with leaders like Tony Robbins, Joe Vitale and Steven Covy, all taking a broader vision and shifting more into positive affirmations that support and empower us. While using positive thoughts to achieve success is still a cornerstone of the positivity movement, positive affirmations are now commonly used to overcome more everyday struggles like self-judgement and self-sabotaging behavior. They can serve as reminders that we are worthy, capable and in control, leading us to feel better about ourselves and take on the challenges we’re faced with.

In fact, positive affirmations have emerged in so many areas of our lives, it’s becoming a bit overdone. Daily gratitude, positive journaling, positive goal setting, positive stress management, anxiety coping, and so on. How do we find all that energy to stay on top of positive thinking in every area of our lives?

Well, we can’t sustain it and I’ll even go as far to say it isn’t always healthy.

Which leads me back to my original statement that positive thinking could be derailing your teen or young adult from achieving their goals. Research is showing that only having a positive mindset can set us up for an even bigger fall. Like when things don’t actually go how we planned, or we don’t succeed to the level we envisioned in our positive goal setting.

And that’s where positive thinking and affirmations can go a bit too far. If we only think positive, we’re not prepared for the unknown. We’re not able to anticipate or compensate for challenges and obstacles that might appear. If we haven’t prepared for pitfalls and roadblocks, we may not know how to handle them and the result can be a feeling of failure, overwhelm and a tendency to give up.

In fact, weight loss studies have shown that people who only have positive plans associated with their eating, exercise and weight loss goals, are less likely to achieve them than cohorts who anticipated challenges or slip ups along the way to their goals.

Wait, did you get that? That’s the opposite of what positive thinking leaders believed. Positive thinking doesn’t always result in positive outcomes.

The missing element was that life doesn’t always go as we plan and a little negativity can actually help.

No, I don’t mean putting yourself down with negative thoughts. Instead, it’s more like planning for a rainy day. Using the “what if” approach.

Many top strategists, business people, athletes, extreme adventurers and survivalists use this approach. While they are positive about their goals and their ability to achieve them, they still plan for the worst case scenario. They anticipate what could go wrong and the key here is they then plan how they would handle it.  These individuals don’t just think of one situation, they often think of dozens if not more so they’re completely prepared should anything occur. The result is they’re more mentally equipped to take on the challenge and overcome it. They’ve anticipated and have already overcome it in their mind, giving them the confidence to work through and still keep their eye on their ultimate goal.  Bringing negative thought into the process helps them to actually be more positive and prepared, thereby increasing their chances of success.

So the next time your daughter or son is fearful of achieving a goal and is tossing out a bunch of “what if’s” and “I can’ts” hold off on the immediate positive response and take a moment instead to talk through those “what if’s”.  Help her come up with answers to how she would handle those situations. Challenge him to think it through, plan how he can overcome each situation and still be able to reach his goals. She’ll be better equipped to handle what life throws at her and more likely to succeed.

It’s called resiliency thinking. But that’s for another day and another article!